A Review of I Beg to Differ

The conversation started out amicably. My neighbor talked about God often. However, she had never mentioned Jesus. I wanted to find out if she recognized him as the Second Person of the Triune Godhead and if she had embraced his salvific work on the cross. I asked what she made of him. She said she thought he was a prophet, an amazing man of faith, but merely human and not God in the flesh.

At that point, the conversation went south. I explained the Trinity and our need for a Savior multiple times in multiple ways. She got angry because she said I was trying to convert her and that her beliefs were just as valid as mine. I got frustrated at her inability to understand why we could not enjoy eternal life with the Lord if Christ were not fully God and fully man. She insisted that she knew a lot of good people who didn’t believe what Christianity teaches about Jesus, all of whom were worthy of a place in heaven based on their goodness.

We ended in a fractious manner. I was disappointed, mostly in myself, for doing such a poor job. I had convinced her of nothing and alienated her in the process.

Then I read I Beg To Differ: Navigating Difficult Conversations With Truth and Love by Tim Muehlhoff. Muehlhoff, a Professor of Communications at Biola University, provides a step-by-step primer for engaging people in conversations where the parties disagree. His approach is both person and Bible-centered and, while he does offer guidance for Christian witnessing, his communication strategy is for Christian and non-Christian alike. His instructions can be applied to any difficult conversation that might arise be it sacred or secular in nature.

It is not surprising that many of his quotations from Scripture come from Proverbs, beginning with verse 14 in chapter 17 from that book of wisdom. “Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.”

With this adage in mind, Meuhlhoff begins his instruction by emphasizing the need to “reclaim the power of words.”¹ Citing linguist Dwight Bollinger, he notes that “language is like a loaded gun.”² While we may not intend to fire it, we can accidentally cause it to go off and hurt another person. To avoid this, we need to learn to “feedforward.”³ Meuhlhoff quotes communications scholar I.A. Richards, explaining that “feeding forward” is “the process of anticipating the effects of our communication and adapting to these effects in advance of communicating with others.”⁴ To achieve this, we may practice “phatic communication,” that is, “the small talk which builds relationships.”⁵ We all have a tendency to “kitchen-sink” conversations by throwing everything in when, in reality, we should take our time and get to know each other before heading to deep discussions of issues upon which we conflict.

Of course, we can enter into dialogue with others thinking we know exactly how to proceed and still end up in an argument fraught with strife. As former heavy-weight champion Mike Tyson so clearly put it, “everybody has a plan till you get hit in the face.”⁶ Tempers flare and the next thing we know we have entered into an “emotion contagion” in which both participants feed off each other’s anger and frustration and the conflict escalates.⁷ Therefore, cultivating self-control is all-important. While we should not suppress our emotions, we should learn how to take charge of them. We do this, Muehlhoff says, by practicing spiritual disciplines, allowing the Holy Spirit to not only empower us, but to transform us in the process.⁸ We need to imitate Jesus in his times of solitude when he communed with the Lord away from the crowds.

Listening, Muehlhoff says, is an act of love while not listening suggests that the other person’s perspective does not matter.⁹ He notes that we must “listen for understanding” and “explore the reasons why a person believes what he or she believes.”¹⁰ We get our beliefs largely from our families, significant individuals we admire, whether personally known or encountered through books, music, film and the media in general, as well as past experiences, both positive and negative.¹¹ We need to determine how these sources have formed the other person’s worldview.

One of the most difficult, but necessary, concepts to employ is that of finding common ground. Some people are afraid that, if they agree with one aspect of a person’s viewpoint it can be construed as agreeing with his or her argument in total.¹² They also fear that such an agreement will weaken their own position.¹³ The Apostle Paul, witnessing to the Greek philosophers at Mars Hill (Acts 17:22-31), demonstrates how we can find common ground without falling into either of those pitfalls as he initiated his conversation with them by talking about the unknown god that they worship. What Paul and his audience could agree on was the existence of a divine being and this became the apostle’s starting point. The bottom line is this: “Our chances of persuading a person are greatly enhanced when we first uncover all the areas in which we agree before moving to areas of contention.”¹⁴

Muehlhoff notes that the Biblical concept of sowing and reaping enters into play when we engage in conversation. The secular term used to describe this principle is the “rule of reciprocation” which is defined as trying “to repay in kind what another person has provided for us.”¹⁵ This means that, if we treat someone with respect, consideration, and compassion, that person is likely to respond in kind. This rule, Muehlhoff asserts, is “so powerful that it can even cause us to overlook the negative behavior of others.”¹⁶

Of course, none of Muehlhoff’s strategies will bring success if we do not enter into discussions with a sincere interest in the other person. I recall an atheist on a forum complaining that he hated it when Christians seemed only interested in making another score (he referred to it as putting another notch in their Bibles) instead of being interested in him as a person with a desire to get to know him. Where there is no relationship, all the best apologetic arguments in the world are unlikely to result in a person’s change of heart.

Muehlhoff presents many examples of how his instructions can be applied, including his ongoing conversation with a friend who had abandoned the faith as well as three detailed cases studies — a mother speaking to her son about the time he spent on online gaming, a married couple talking about finances, and a Christian attempting to share the gospel with a coworker. The author also includes a summary of key points at the end of each chapter for quick reference which I found most helpful. Given that Muelhoff is a professional communicator, it is not surprising that his book is well-written and his message is clear.

As for my neighbor, she and I had another conversation about Jesus, Christianity and the Bible in which I tried to apply Meuhlhoff’s strategies about listening to gain an understanding of how she came to her beliefs instead of simply arguing for mine. It went much better than our first dialogue. You can read about that interaction elsewhere in this month’s journal.

Notes:

1 Tim Muehlhoff, I Beg To Differ: Navigating Difficult Conversations With Truth And Love (Downers Grove, Illinois: InterVarsity Press, 2014), 21, Digital Edition.

2 Ibid.

3 Ibid., 31.

4 Ibid.

5 Ibid., 45.

6 Ibid., 65.

7 Ibid., 59.

8 Ibid., 69.

9 Ibid., 87.

10 Ibid., 94.

11 Ibid., 102.

12 Ibid., 127.

13 Ibid.

14 Ibid., 132.

15 Ibid., 134.

16 Ibid., 137.